i-robot?

i could clearly remember Caloy saying he 'lost his desire to dream', that he 'has stopped dreaming until (he met her)', that he 'almost forgot the importance of having a dream for yourself'. if i would sum up the thoughts in his poems, these lines are what they contain, too (if i remember it right, those poems are still kept in an envelope, among the letters stacked in my right cabinet, in my room, in my father's home). losing desire, finding her, finding hope, (re)building everything from there and living a renewed life again his way.

the 'losing it' part, pertaining to having dreams and keeping hope, i felt last year up until maybe recently.

it seems that life has become monotonous. routinary. bland. dull. to an extent that i'm just holding myself from throwing up. i can't find anything that would move me, or amaze me, or excite me -- aside from my kids. right now, i'm not even doing something that is majorly my interest. i'm becoming mechanical. it's a numbing, tiring experience.

i want to change things, but i'm quite torn between taking the big leap and minding their doubts on me. fear is getting the best of my desire, with them saying it's not gonna work. the constant crease on his forehead and her discouragement is painful, yet i cannot find the urge or the reason to argue. maybe somewhere in my mind i'm thinking that the effort is already a futile attempt. and maybe, doing things discreetly on my own is could be relatively harmful to relationships -- when it comes to the 'trusting' factor.

but why would i even mind the 'trust' factor when above anything, nothing of that matter is given to me?

i guess the damage of not trusting extends intrapersonally now, which should not actually be happening if i am planning at things on my own.

aargh. life is complicated.